10 ways to say: "your fly is open"

1. "The cucumber has left the salad."

2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."

3. "Your soldier aren’t so unknown now."

4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."

5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."

8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."

9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

An hour of pleasure

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

After the office party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

bus driver's parents

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Why studying is better than sex

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:
1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space.

Rahul Gandhi jokes

• rahul gandhi --> mom, aapaki wajah se meri shaadi nahi ho paaa rahi........ . .......... ......... . sonia gandhi --> kyun beta???????? ???????? rahul gandhi --> har taraf to likha hai ki sonia ko bahumat do

• Rahul Gandhi claims that peddling a tri-cycle with Vega helmet is more dangerous than flying an aircraft!
• Rahul Gandhi feels that over-heating of water in geyser is more dangerous than global warming!
• When RG went to airport he saw the board ‘Airport Left’. He turned around and went home!

PM speaks on 2G scam

Do u have it in you to be a scam manager??

scam managers required

Are you interested in building a career in a highly motivational, people centric, learning intensive environment?

Would you be interested in a discussion to embark on a journey of opportunities beyond boundaries?

Is your lack of educational qualification coming in between your dream of earning wealth?

Come work with us!

Selection Process:
1. You will be given 1 crore rupees for 3 days
2. You have to hide those rupees for 3 days from our auditing department
3. You have to successfully show the expenses made against that amount for public welfare.
4. Return the money.

Below is the Job Profile:
1. Channeling the money flow for welfare without making any payment
2. Successful deposits in the Swiss Bank Account
3. Keeping the Balance Sheet clean
4. Bribing the CBI
5. Lobbying with the Journalist
6. Blaming the Opposition Party for everything that went wrong
7. Taking blame on yourself,if unsuccessful, in any of the above

Major Responsibility:
You will be required to manage risk of our clients without complying to the government regulation and bring transformational change in our Organisation making it Spam-Proof

Qualification:
1. Criminal Record in mandatory

Other Extra Curricular Activities like
1. Fraud signature on report card in school
2. Successfully leaking the paper in college
3. False claim on conveyance with previous employer
will be highly appreciated and would be considered on highest priority.

Salary:
1% of the Scam amount you hide or 1Lac rupees per scam (Whichever is less)

Location:
-In front of the media, when you are successful
-Underground, when you are not

If you have what it takes to work with the best in the industry, join us.

source: insiedtheblackhole.wordpress.com

Whats the biggest pressure for Pak captain wen Pak needs 1 run to win in 8 overs, with 5 wickets in hand?............Aila!! How to speak english in presentation ceremony?

what can u deduce??

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

What is the height of Flirting???????????????????????????????????????????????

It's when your love letter starts with: TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN

A teenage boy to his father: Here's my report card and a list I've compiled of great entrepreneurs who never finished their high school...

What does Santa Singh bury every 10 years?

Man: What are you burying??

Santa: Driving License

Man: Driving License ..? Why?

Santa: Arre.. It expired

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Santa & medical college

Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!

Frightened tourist: "Are ther any bats in this cave?
Guide: "There were, but dont worry, the snakes ate all of them."

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

lecture

What is a Lecture?

The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

santa at the curtain shop

Pakistani meets Sardar courtesy Bangladeshi

The Pakistani drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.He says "In Islamabad our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Bangladeshi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.He says "In Dhaka we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

OUR Sardar, the famous Santa Singh, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Pakistani and Bangladeshi.He says "In India we have so many Pakistanis and Bangladeshi that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Why did the Gujju go to Rome?

Why did the Gujju go to Rome?

To listen to Pop(e) music.

Santa the Gambler

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher

santa proposes

http://linkbacklink.blogspot.com

Love Affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Gujarati has accident

There was once a Gujarati living in USA called Raju Patel, who was involved in a car accident.
At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash."
"Car crash! My Porsche! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries - you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.

"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex!"

"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries.
You are in a very critical condition, but all your family are here to see you."

He asked for his family to be called in.
As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name. "Shilpa, are you here?"
"I am here husband, and I will never leave you."
"Dilip, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Anil, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Priya, my child, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well," said Raju thoughtfully, "if Shilpa, Dilip, Anil and Priya are here..... WHO THE HELL IS IN THE SHOP?

TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

father's "impression"

Son: "Daddy, why did you put your thumb impression on my progress report instead of your signature?"

Father: "I don't want your teacher to think that anyone with your marks could possibly have a father who can read or write."

The new Chinese Restaurant

the new chinese garden restaurant

Heard about the new German- Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

More chinese jokes

Conversation between man and wife

Man: I want enjoy this Sunday, i've bought 3 movie tickets..

Wife: 3 movie tickets??

Man: For u and ur parents..

Santa and spectacles

Santa: I will be able to read with these specs?

Doctor: yes

Santa: Thank Gods, the life of an illiterate man - very bad..

A no-nonsense boss and a surname with a difference...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied.


The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"


The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."


"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

Santa and his auto

Santa was busy removing a wheel from his auto.

A man asks Santa: "Why are you removing a wheel from your auto?"

Santa: Can't you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

More Santa Banta!!

How does Santa singh copy MS Word document???

Scroll down to know..

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Santa returns book to library, bangs it on table &
says - What a shit ?
"I read the whole book, too many character, no story
at all" ?.

Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone
Directory....

----

Santa and Banta are driving a Car, Banta puts on the
indicator and asks Santa to check whether it is
working.

He puts his head out and says -
YES..NO..YES..NO..YES..NO

Joke Of the Day - 15th June

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Chinese Jokes

What do you call a retarded Chinese baby?

Sum Ting Wong

---

A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Steinberg, no mattah...all same!"

PAKISTANI JOKES

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepared for some standard questions that are asked to them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony. Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question.

But this time..... Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Also Bob Woolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort. Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time.Tony fainted

--

Other Pakistani Jokes:

Find out what happens in a bar containing Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Santa Singh

SARDARJI JOKES

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".

--

Sardarji Jokes:A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, 'What's in the bags?''Sand,' answered the Sardarji.Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.'Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got?' 'Sand,' says the Sardarji.Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.Finally, the Sardarji doesn't show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a 'Dhaba' in Islamabad.

'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?'

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, 'Bikes'

---

Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"

--

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....

--

'Before we get married,' said Santa to his fiancee,'I want to confess some affairs I've had in the past.''But you told me all about those a couple of weeks ago,' replied the girl.'Yes, darling,' Santa explained, 'but that was a couple of weeks ago.'

Economist jokes

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."


Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."


Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

----

TOP 10 REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

Football...

Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two
eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of abusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are
drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of
any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal
when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty
area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.

STUDENT JOKES

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.




TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.






TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

GUJARATI JOKES

Gandhi Movie..

Why did the Gujju think the film Gandhi was about a woman?
Because Be(h)n Kingsley was in it.

--

The Arab And Gujarati..

An (Bahraini) Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for aheart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood.

The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, theArab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that theArab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.

The Arab replied “Bapu…..now I have Gujju blood in my veins!”

---

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.2000 people leave the room.Kantibhai says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.2000 people leave the room.Kantibhai says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay.What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.500 people leave the room.Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?'Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says `kem chho'The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama'.

Bill Gates was amazed to see both potential candidates talking fluently, friendly. He decided to hire both of them.

---

More Gujarati Jokes:

Why would a gujju go to Rome??

When gujju has accident